Not too long ago, I imagine a conversation much like this took place:

Traffic Lackey: Sir! Sir! Terrible news!
Traffic Ruler of Brooklyn/Queens: What is it, man? What could it be?
Lackey: I've just been informed that... ::dreadful gasp:: There's a place in Brooklyn... where there's no traffic.
Ruler: No traffic? What?
Lackey: It's terrible, sir. No traffic. Reports of drivers moving in excess of thirty miles an hour. People getting to work on time. No accidents or fender benders! Rush hour is almost.. pleasant!
Ruler: This can't be!
Lackey: Sir, it's true. It's a little known spot called The Marine Parkway Bridge. It leads to Flatbush Avenue.  No traffic at all, except for the 4th of July, we've done our work there, thank God. Minded our P's and Q's alright, an hour delay at times, it's textbook.
Ruler: You know what needs to be done. Use whatever resources necessary, but this cannot be allowed to continue!

:::a week later:::

Ruler: Well? What do you have to report on the Flatbush Avenue front?
Lackey: Well, we've cleverly deployed the construction trucks, sir. Then, we devised a completely random pattern of lane closures on the bridge itself, even when there's nothing wrong with the lane. And then, and I'm particularly proud of this, we've arranged for the NYPD to practice radar training on sunny days. 12 police cruisers in all, sir!
Ruler: :::evil laughter::: Excellent work!

:::a few days later:::
Ruler: Lackey! Explain this! Flatbush Avenue drivers have compensated! We are recording speeds in excess of 30mph again! I don't need to tell you how disappointed I am in you, do I?
Lackey: No sir. I'll get right on it.

:::and later still:::
Lackey: An update on Flatbush Avenue, sir. I think we've got it licked this time.
Ruler: My patience wears thin. Proceed.
Lackey: We've continued with the random lane closures. Although now, in an effort to defeat the wily drivers who have figured out the scheme, we now place traffic cones in the lane, effectively rendering it unusable. On certain days, we park a sign truck in the lane, in the middle of the bridge. We use that for afternoon naps. Works out quite well, actually.
Ruler: Continue..
Lackey: Next, dealing with the toll plaza itself, we've set up on obstacle course wherein we randomly close an EZ-Pass lane, and switch the closures as soon as two drivers have gone through. Or, we select the slowest worked on staff that day, and have them travel from end of the plaza to the other, halting cars along the way.
Ruler: Devious!
Lackey: Once through the toll plaza, you must make it through the light of DOOM. A light that for years was red three times a day.. it now turns red every 45 seconds! And lasts for a full two minutes!
Ruler: This is almost painful to hear.. you're making me very happy.
Lackey: As a backup measure, we turned off the traffic light at the midpoint, to lull drivers into a false sense of security. After two weeks, we turned it back on, but reversed the red and green pattern, so that it is now green every few minutes, and red most of the time! I'm very pleased with the backups THIS particular situation is causing. In fact, I've personally witnessed TWO minor fender benders in the past week when the light unexpectedly changed.
Ruler: You're earning yourself a raise.
Lackey: Thank you sir. And finally, just to cement the traffic situation, we've decided the coup de grace should be this: A FULL bridge closure every night for the next month, forcing drivers to detour to the next bridge, 7 miles away. And of course, traveling along the Belt Parkway, where the genius of traffic himself, meaning you of course, worked his magic many years ago. That was textbook, sir. In fact, I believe you wrote the textbook on causing traffic.
Ruler: It's fantastic, my good man. But there's only one other thing I would request.
Lackey: Not to worry sir, we have trained idiot drivers and rolling speed bumps set to deploy from Rockaway at 7:21am, Monday through Friday. They begin rolling again at 3:12, timed at both periods to coincide perfectly with three times the actual needed amount of school buses.
Ruler: And the street sweepers, trash crews, light crews, and kamikaze bikers?
Lackey: Guaranteed everyday. I promise you will never drive faster than twenty on Flatbush Avenue every again.
Ruler: Excellent! Now come, let us feast together on the hearts of those drivers who have died of terminal road rage!

Date:	2007-09-17 21:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

Dear Victoria's Secret:

You suck.
I will NEVER purchase anything from you again, due to the sheer amount of aggravation you have put me through.

On August 13, I ordered 4 items. I was told that there would be a *slight* delay in shipping, due to a new warehouse situation. (I ordered flip-flops, jeans, an eye liner, and a bronzer kit).

On August 29th, 16 days later, I received the eye liner and the flipflops. I was charged for everything.

I called and was told that they were aware they had made an error, and would be shipping everything else out as soon as possible. The rep offered me a $10 gift card to rebate the shipping cost, which I accepted.

That was shipped August 30th, and received somewhere around the middle of the first week in September.

Then, nothing.

I called again, considered that it's been over a month. I was told they're still working on it. Sincere apologies, blah blah blah.

Today, I got a ship confirmation.. for just the jeans.

I called again.

The Bronzer kit won't be shipped for another two weeks.

Because I need a tan-enhancer in October?

I understand a *slight* delay in shipping. But if it's going to take you two months to get your shit together, then state that. Or better yet, stop taking orders that you lack the ability to fill.

Congratulations though, you've sufficiently pissed me off with your slipshod service, gross understatements, and overpriced underwear that I will be taking my business elsewhere.

In case no one noticed, this journal is now entirely friends only, thanks to LJ's super sexy mass security tool.

Comment if you want to be added and you aren't already, otherwise, you don't care that much and don't need to be reading my journal ;)